Another Amazing Sunday

Sunday was definitely a remarkable day that capped a  really amazing last half of the week.  I have already written about the gifts I received on February 16.  What happened Sunday evening fits right in with the unique gift that included a letter telling its story.

Dennis and I had a Social Committee meeting.  Our group likes to dine out when we are engaged in committee business.  Last evening we decided to meet at an Italian restaurant in Norwich.  Not everyone could make it; but there were Brian, Phil & Becky, Caleb & Leslie, and us.  We had a good time – and we laid out initial plans for the first half of the year.  Dennis then decided we needed to go see where Caleb and Leslie lived, since we were in their area. 

On our way into Caleb and Leslie’s, I was telling Becky about my gifts that came Thursday and that one of the items, the bracelet, had a story that went with it, going back to before 2004.  I was telling her how neat that was.

As we got ready to head home, Becky came over to me from her car.  She had a gift bag she wanted me to have.  Also she wanted to just hug me.  I am sure this situation is difficult for her, as she did so much to help Val out during Val’s cancer battle.  Becky told me how she wished she could trade places with me.  Wow!  “Greater love has no man than this – than he give up his life for his friends.”

I got home, opened the bag to see what was there.  A small stuffed bear . . . and a letter.  This bear had been named Grace, as its initial owner wanted to be reminded about God’s grace as she faced her battle against cancer.  When things settled down for her, she decided to pass the bear on to another woman she knew who had issues she was struggling with.  Eventually, the woman returned the bear to the initial owner because the initial owner was again dealing with cancer issues.  The bear eventually was passed on to Becky, as she faced difficulties, again to remind her of God’s grace.  Becky had decided it was time to pass the bear on – to me.  Who was the initial owner of the bear?  Val.    Isn’t that amazing?!?!

A Glitch

I could sense that a problem was developing around the cyst on my upper back.  That cyst had been there for years, and no medical person seemed to think that I ought to get it excised -- until I met with Dr. Bang for my first visit in December.  The cyst was on his "To Do" list, once we knew for sure what my other problem was.  Because it turns out that I have cancer, the cyst problem was put off. 

The area around the cyst began to be sore, and I really dreaded the thought that an infection might develop.  So, I quit going to exercise class (5:15 am, MWF, at church).  I felt that irritation might lead to problems.

Dr. Bang was out of town for two weeks, which was why the surgery was not to be until the end of January.  My final meeting with him would be the Monday before my Friday surgery.  The last half of the week before that appointment, I would have my husband check that area on my back to see if it looked infected because things there were not calming down even though I had given up things that would aggravate it.  I did call the doctor's office to see what they suggested, in case I thought that there actually was more than an irritation going on.  They said that if I needed to, I could go to the ER at the hospital and they could treat the problem.  That way there would be a record there at the hospital of what had transpired.  As it was, I was able to wait until my appointment.

Well, Dr. Bang determined that I had a small infection.  My surgery was postponed.  This appointment then focused on the cyst.  Dr. Bang had me lie on my belly on the table.  He injected a numbing drug around the area of the cyst.  Then he proceeded to lance the cyst and drain the area.  Some of that required his pressing and squeezing the area, which was painful.  Add to it the fact that the matter looked gross and apparently smelled.  I could not tell, but my husband, the nurse, and Dr. Bang could -- at times, Dr. Bang had to step away to get some different air.  Junk kept coming, it seemed. 

Finally that was done.  Dr. Bang put gauze and tape on the area and gave me a prescription to be sure the infection was cleared and one for pain.  The gauze needed to be changed every day, and I was to come back that Thursday and again the following Monday to check the progress.  All three, the nurse, the doctor, and my husband commented on the size of the hole that this procedure left.

So, surgery was rescheduled for February 6; however, as time drew near, Dr. Bang knew that was not going to happen.  UGH!  Here I was dealing with a cyst problem that was postponing dealing with the cancer problem.  Initially I thought that things with the cancer must not be too bad, since it seemed that there was no urgency to see what could be done to get that hole healed in my back so that it would be safe to do the surgery -- no open wound that might welcome infection from the OR.

What was painful for quite some time with the changing of the bandaging was that someone had to pack the area with some gauze before covering it with a bandage.  That stuffing was not at all fun.  I almost felt like back-kicking the person behind me who was doing that -- but I controlled myself.

Dr. Bang decided that he really could not postpone things any longer and set the date, the third date, for February 22.  To be sure things were good with my back, since it was just a matter of the area healing well, he used silver nitrate to cauterize the area around the cyst.  Still, I was having to change the bandaging, but there was no more packing the space with gauze.  Yea!

Dr. Bang told me, that final appointment, that I was to be ready to explain to the hospital staff about the bandage on my back, as there were things they would be attending to before he appeared.  Things were good, and Dr. Bang was aware of the problem.

One mini-trial was over, and now I could focus on the larger one -- the cancer.

Ready to Say I Have Cancer

Today I had a change of spirit.  I decided that I needed to stop hanging on the fringes, to stop trying to get away from the fact that I am someone who has breast cancer.  I need to stop being a stinker about pink . . . about showing, even in a small way, that I am one of those directly affected by the disease.

I opened the mailbox this afternoon to get our mail.  In there was a package addressed to me.  Like the other package, this one came from MD, from another friend of mine who has been dealing with breast cancer.  Ironically, these two women I have heard from the past few weeks, women who sent me gifts, are two I spent time with when I was between flights from DC to Europe in 2008.  These ladies were at one time my teachers at Capitol Christian Academy.  As adults, we three shared an interest in education, as we were teachers.  We had an interest in Christian education, as we were teachers in a Christian schools.  Now we share a common disease.  They have a handle on theirs; my battle has just begun.

In the package from Carol today I found two items plus a letter.  There was a bracelet  (silver and pink) with a charm that stated “Love Heals” and a book, Savoring God, a book written by a breast cancer survivor.  The story of the bracelet and that fact that it has been passed on to me is what caught my attention to the need of changing my response to my disease. 

Sure, I am accepting of the fact that I have breast cancer; but I have not been accepting of all the other things that come with it – identification a little more obviously as being one of those battling the disease.   

Valentines' Day

What a cool start to the school day this morning!  There was a note left on my computer that said there were flowers for me at the Visitors’ Center. 

Well, it was from Dennis – an arrangement of a dozen roses plus a box of chocolates.  Already I had opened an amazing card from him at home before coming to school.  I had a LOT of comments on my flowers . . . Dennis has done something like this before BUT not with a dozen roses and chocolates.  I am thinking it is because of the situation we are currently facing with my cancer AS WELL AS his being out of town on his annual Mexico trip because at the last minute, my surgery date changed and made it possible for  him to go – it is something I wanted for him to go ahead and do, regardless of what others might think.   With all that is going on here, the time away probably has been good for him in a lot of ways.  I have been fine here, with people looking out for me and my needs.

I said to my friend Lori today that I don’t think I yet totally grasp what lies ahead for me.  I want to think that all there is is surgery and recovery; but I think that probably won’t be it.  I have never had such a challenge put before me in my life. 

My nearest family, aside from cousins, lives 200 miles away; however, I have such a wonderful group of friends and family that I am being supported and looked after by – and will be.   WOW!  I lack nothing.  

I can’t even begin to imagine 5-6 hours+ in surgery plus recovery.  That will take most of the day.  Then I stay overnight at the hospital.  I get let out some time the following day.  That, too, is seemingly unreal.

My back is cleared of infection.  Dr. Bang used silver nitrate and sealed the small space in my back.  So, that problem will be re-addressed at a later date.

An Acrostic

Challenge beyond all other challenges

Awful disease to have, most times

Not at all predictable in its outcome

Curable?  Depends

Ever present threat, once it’s yours

Reality for me

Another Reality Check

Today I was given another reality check – the name of my oncologist and the date I meet with him.  Wow!  This physician is associated with Upstate in Syracuse, which has expanded its cancer program significantly.  Initially my appointment was for Monday, but I prefer to have Dennis along.  Since these physicians work between Syracuse and Cortland, they are not in town every day of the week.  So, I had the appointment moved to February 20, the day before my surgery.

What runs through my mind:

• ·    I am not sure what I think when I am put in touch with cancer survivors who are ready to help me along.
• ·     I am not sure what I think when I am told I have another doctor to add to my list, an oncologist.  It makes me think more about my treatments – will I have to do chemo or will I be able to do something else?
• ·     Right now, I am just not caring for PINK.  Makes me seem a disloyal sister to the cause, as pink is associated with breast cancer; but really, I am not ready to embrace it  --“advertise” that I am one of them

I said to my friend Lori today that I am just not caring for pink right now AND that I am tired of getting cancer stuff in the mail.  Maybe this is my way of working through things, as otherwise, I seem to be doing all right.  It does make me wonder if other people get inundated with materials about their diseases too . .

Musings

Today was to be my surgery  --  the rescheduled surgery because my initial date of January 27 had been canceled due to an infection I developed in a sebaceous cyst. 

My appointment last Thursday showed that I would still not be healed enough for today, and so I was again postponed.  I did not deal with that news very well at first, although I could understand. 

Once Dennis and I got out to the car, I just pretty much just sat there.  I did say to him, though, that I just did not understand why this that keeps happening.  No, I wasn’t mad at God; but I just didn’t get why this part of the trial keeps going on and on.  I can’t catch a break anywhere.  I just wanted to be left alone so I could sort through things and re-group.

Dennis did make supper that evening, after he got home from work.  I had the things he needed to make chicken and biscuits.  He was very understanding. 

My outlet was the internet.  There I could share some of my thoughts with friends without actually talking to them face to face.  That was a help.  Plus, my friend/co-worker Lori stopped by to see how I was doing plus to clue me in on things about class, as she would not be there Friday.

I did not sleep well. 

By Friday I was doing all right.  That’s how I want things to be.  If I am down about something, I want to not stay down too long. 

After school I did stop by to visit with my pastor.   I had an idea he knew how things were for me, as I had cued his wife in on Thursday evening.  I found out later that Dennis had popped over next door on his break to talk to her at work Friday.  I wanted the pastor to know that I was doing all right.  If there was a focus to our discussion as to what makes things difficult, it was people – well-meaning people, but people who asked more questions than they needed to or shared opinions that weren’t needing to be shared.  It happens to Dennis at the store.  It happens to both of us at church.  It just happens.  It gets tiring to remain gracious. 

Postponed Again

WOW!  I just do not get it at all . . .  Postponed again because of that infected cyst.  Infection is still a problem, as is the “crater” that needs to fill back in with tissue.  Dennis thought it looked the size of a golf ball; I am wanting to think maybe it’s a little smaller, like a little smaller than a ping pong ball.  UGH!

My surgery had been re-scheduled to February 6, because of the cyst, which was lanced last week.

There really is nothing new anyone can say to me to offer any encouragement, aside from they are sorry about this and are continuing to pray OR offer me a reminder that all of this is in God’s timing.  Really, what can anyone say that will make me feel any better about how things have gone for me the past two months.