Decisions and Date

This morning Lori sent me out of the classroom to make the phone call I needed to make, the one to my surgeon to tell them what I had decided to do, after our discussion and meeting Thursday.  Julie (the nurse who had been in the room for that meeting) answered the phone.  After I said who I was, she said that I had been on her call list for today.  I told her that I had planned to call yesterday, but because of an after school meeting, I had run out of time.

I told her that after some time to think, read, and talk with Dennis and others, I had decided that I would go ahead with a double mastectomy but no reconstructive surgery (at least for now).  All I wanted to do was what needed to be done.

Julie remembered that Dennis has a scheduled trip which he is putting on hold until he knows more, as the date comes closer.  He has paid for the tickets to go, and so he is set to go if things fall into place and he feel comfortable leaving me.  Those dates are February 6-16 – they remembered. 

Today and Thursday are the days the office sets up surgery dates at the hospital.  Thoughts were that I would hear today sometime.  Although the office is closed at this time, it may be that the hospital calls me instead.  Either way, I will know the date by the end of the week.

I did not sleep well last night.  That seems to be the case when I am just not settled.  So, I went to school a bit tired; but that was all right.  I have no idea what to expect of me once a date is set.  Yes, reality will really set in.  As the date draws near . . .

I need to start to work on the letter to my parents.  Probably I will get that done the next few days.  That will not be an easy task.

God is giving me opportunities each day to share how my trust in Him is sustaining me.  Even today I had to chance to chat a bit with Lori’s pm sub.  Marena was a long-term sub (young) in the ELA 5 class I push into.  She happened to be covering that class from mid-November to Christmas vacation; so, she has known some of what was going on because I was absent so often.   So, it was comfortable to talk with her when we were in the class, no students.

I want to become more bold in sharing my faith in God, that although I may not understand why things happen, I know He will be there to help me through.

I'm Liking My New Work Assignment

I do like my new assignment at school.  I work with a lady I have known for years and years.  We go to the same church; we are in the choir; we were neighbors for years; she is a wonderful Christian woman, Lori Rice.  We have remarked on how interesting it is that we seemed to strike up a new level of friendship the end of November, knowing nothing of what was ahead.  At that time I worked upstairs, primarily in 8^th grade, with two periods in 5^th grade. 

Talk had been that my primary charge in 8^th grade was going to get into a new program at a different location, a program he should have been in earlier but his parents balked at it.  To me, the thought that he could be gone in January was interesting timing, as I had an idea that I had some physical problems that may require I be out of school.  I saw that as a problem, as one key thing in special ed is a degree of routine.  It was bad enough that I had begun to miss 1-2.5 days a week since Thanksgiving.  The student’s moving on might be such that the school could wait to reassign me, if need be.

Well, Lori’s TA suddenly discovered in mid-December that she could have a full-time, full-paying job at Cortland State.  The teacher they had hired for their Pre-K program was leaving because her husband was being transferred for his job.  INTERESTING, as Heather had not been their first choice BUT now, all of a sudden, she could be at her new job January 5.  Before Christmas break, the special ed supervisor came by to tell me that I was going to be re-assigned.  She was not yet sure where, but she knew she was going to have an opening in the elementary school.  (I had heard speculation that I was going to be in 5^th grade most of the time.)  She’d get back to me.  In that time period, Lori told me there was going to be an opening in her room and that she thought it would be great if we could work together, but she was not sure what I might think about working in 2^nd grade, as my experience has been Grades 6-12 (until this year).  I said to her that Karen had mentioned an opening in the ES; but I didn’t know then that the opening was in Lori’s room.

At that same time, I filled Karen in a little with what was going on in my life, as by this meeting I knew I had suspicious lumps that had been detected and that I had been referred to a surgeon, who was scheduling me for some biopsies.  I thought it right to cue her in on this, as I had been absent more than what is the norm for me, for one thing.

I was unable to go to school last Tuesday, as I had been scheduled for another round of biopsies.  I had also figured I would need Wednesday off to re-group.  (The first day back after Christmas break was Tuesday, and I was absent!!)  Karen sent me an email to say that I was being reassigned to 2^nd grade to work with Lori Rice.  Karen knew I would be out until Thursday morning, but she would talk to me about this then.  Karen had no idea that Lori and I were friends (and all that other stuff I wrote at the start here).  Apparently Karen stopped by to let Lori know who was going to replace her TA, and Lori told Karen that we are long-time friends, go to the same church, etc.  As I said, I had been absent, but Lori and I touched base by email, sharing that we knew what my new assignment was going to be.  I started first thing Thursday.

Today Karen caught up with me to let me know what she had settled on for my schedule because it was going to differ a little from what Lori’s TA had.  I would still go to ELA 5 afternoons, rather than help supervise recess.  Karen would have someone else do that.  I also would still do the bus attendance, since I know the kids.

Karen and I were talking a bit in the hall, and I told her that I was enjoying this class very much.  She was glad to hear that, as she knows this is an entirely new area to me.  I then told her how I knew Lori – guess it was a lot like what Lori had told her about me.  I said to Karen that this seems like such a great place for me to be at this time, with what I have going on.  Karen, who knows Lori and I are Christian people, pointed in recognition of God’s plan – not that she is a true believer (went to Catholic school).  I verbalized that gesture, saying it was God’s plan for me.  COOL!

Singing I Go

This is the song Martha sang in church yesterday.  I mentioned it, but not by name, in yesterday's entry.

Singing I Go

The trusting heart to Jesus clings,

Nor any ill forebodes;

But at the cross of Calvary sings,

Praise God for lifted loads.

The passing days bring many cares,

“Fear not,” I hear Him say.

And when my fears are turned to prayers,

The burdens slip away.

He tells me of my Father´s love,

And never slumbering eye.

My everlasting King above

Will all my need supply.

CHORUS:

Singing I go along life’s road,

Praising the Lord, praising the Lord.

Singing I go along life’s road,

For Jesus has lifted my load.

The Church Family

I was not sure how well I would do at church, since this was the day that I was going to have pastor share with the church what is going on in my life, now that I know for sure that I have a serious medical issue.   Of course, there are those who knew already and were quick to come up, give me a hug, and whisper words of encouragement into my ear before church began.   I also wanted to be sure to see my mother-in-law, as she had not seen me since Dennis gave her the news.  Besides words of comfort for her, I wanted her to know that the pastor was going to tell the church about my situation in the morning service. 

The service itself, though, seemed so geared to my needs at the moment – God planned the service before any of us knew how fitting it would be, from the music to the message.  Wow!  Yes, I did all right, although I did not want to look out on the congregation when the pastor shared the news.  I could tell that there were tears . . . that there was shock . . . that there are people who care.  Even as pastor began to share, he choked a bit. 

I even was able to sing the choir’s song that focused on the theme of peace.  (I had not made it to practice last Sunday, and so I had no idea.) 

One song, “All Is Well,” apparently got to a few in the church, as we sang it after they had just had the prayer time at which my news was shared.  One of the ladies who wondered why it was the pastor chose such “heart-wretching” songs when he knew there were people who were dealing with difficult times.  I said to her that I think it depends on the individual and their disposition or situation.  I think that there can also be people who see the lyrics as ministering to them.  I said to her that I just felt like the songs today were what I needed, and I wanted to just reach out and hold onto those words.  I think she had never thought of it that way.  She has had hard times as well, and so she was speaking from her own experience.  Maybe I was able to present to her another perspective on songs we sing.

My friend Martha sang the morning special.  She told me later that even though she has known about this since Friday, she still gets teary-eyed at times … and did there.  She said she could not look at me as she sang, yet she felt that she was singing to me.  Wow!  (My current fav adj., it seems.)

I have no idea if this is a subconscious way of dealing with my cancer, but I found myself engaged in conversations at church today, arms crossed across my chest.  I do see the humor of this. 

My friend Carole, commenting to me after church today, said she could never be in my current situation – that I must be a stronger person than she.  (Not sure about that, as I don’t know how God chooses our paths.)  She isn’t ready to trade places with me.  Who would be, really?

The service this evening – WOW!  Another message that was on the topic of trials/testing.  I think that I will want to have a copy of that message, maybe also the morning one.  I could benefit from hearing them again PLUS they would remain as reminders of how God is already ministering to me through others and letting me know He knows me and cares for me.

I really am not sure that reality has hit me.  BUT my church family has rallied around me, and I know that Dennis and I will benefit from this in so many ways.  Thank you, God.

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Pastor said to me when we met on Saturday morning that I would find the sermons on Sunday interesting.  Little did I know -- neither did he when he first began to prepare:

• Morning - "The Gospel Perspective in Trials"
• Evening - "Faith in Trials"

Starting to Share the News

Got my email out to my brothers and sisters.  I did that while Dennis was down to his mother’s.  I have decided to write a letter to my parents, but wait a bit until I send it, as I want to think through what to say and have a date to tell them for when the surgery will take place.  Dad is forgetful AND sometimes he tends to latch onto something he is told and miss the total picture, causing us a challenge.  He is the one who passes info on to Mom, who does not always hear well.  It just seems to make more sense to have them get the news in this manner.  Telling "bad" news to family members is difficult.  It does not matter if it is parents or siblings.

I also stopped by to talk to the pastor, not that he does not know what the news is.  I wanted to tell him myself.  We talked about how this would be shared with the church and when. I expect that tomorrow will be a rather tough day emotionally for me; but I believe it is important for my church family to know what is going on.  I realize that this is a serious challenge.  Pastor and I talked about a lot of things – Scripture, music, the desire I have to be an example of a true believer in difficult circumstances for my unsaved in-laws to see, my unsaved colleagues to see, and even for my church family to see.  We also talked about the decisions I was having to settle on, most particularly the treatment of this disease. 

So, we will see how things go at church tomorrow morning.

I Did Not Get the News I Hoped to

The last time I had to receive difficult medical news (1985), I had been told to bring someone along with me, if I can.   Now, because of changes in medical protocol, you get no “heads up” on this.   Because I did not know this, I figured Dennis did not need to go as I had not been told I should bring someone with me. 

Today I was told that I have breast cancer, two types.  The left side, the one with the most problems, has been diagnosed as infiltrating lobular carcinoma; on the right, ductal carcinoma in situ.  To hear the word cancer used when talking to me about me seems unreal; but that is the truth.  Dennis made me say that word when I told him the news.

• What is to be done?   A double mastectomy.  Maybe consider reconstruction.
• Recovery time?  Two weeks for the mastectomy. Four more weeks for the reconstruction.
• My Initial Decision?    To wait on the reconstruction.  I might not want to do that.

I sensed a calmness around me as I heard this news.  I did make an effort to really listen to what was being said, although I know that I will get a copy of this information through the mail.  I know that what helped me stay calm, also, was that I was told that although things would be difficult at the start, the end looked promising.

Do I trust Dr. Bang?  Yes.  He is careful.  He is thorough.  He goes through things step by step.  He wants to be sure I understand everything he is telling me.  That was true December 12, when we first met; it was true today.

1. Probably the surgery will be done by the end of this month.
2. Will there be radiation therapy?   No
3. Chemo?   Not sure
4. Hormonal therapy?   Possibly  

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· “You will keep [her] in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You” (Isa. 26:3).

· “In quietness and confidence shall be your strength” (Isa. 30:15b).

I really am not sure what I think about all of this that is happening.  I wonder if I really realize what is happening in my life at this point in time. 

It seems, though, that God was preparing me for this news.  I spent an unusual amount of time yesterday reviewing the verses on my verse cards, the statements written on others, and just general reflections on God.

More Tests

Today I had another biopsy, right side.  Initially the plan was to do two; but they changed it to just one.  The plan is to get these tissue samples out to pathology and have the results back in time for my appointment Thursday afternoon.

This session did not seem as painful as the one on December 19.  I am having second thoughts about having asked for tomorrow off work; but I can’t do strenuous activity for 24 hours, neither can I shower. 

I feel the need to re-group, as I have no real idea what to expect Thursday. Optimistically, I hope to hear that they just want to remove the lumps, just to be safe – even if there is no signs at the moment of any type of cancer.  I look in the mirror here at home and can see that something is not right on the left.