Questions

I find myself asking questions of all kinds, as I contemplate my newly diagnosed disease:

·  Why is a word that is so easy to spell (c-a-n-c-e-r) so difficult to say?

·  Why do we rarely hear the word dreadful used to describe other debilitating diseases, like M.S. or heart disease?

·  Why is it so difficult to share "bad" news with family and friends?

·  Why do people seem to think they are entitled to know things just because they may know you?

·  Why does it seem like some people look at you differently because they know you have cancer?

·  Why is it that when cancer does "go away," it doesn't really ever go away?

·  Why do you feel as if people who know, think you'll certainly die an early death or that you certainly are going to have a rough time?

·  Why does "bad" news seem to spread faster than "good" news?

·  Why are unregenerate people more willing to listen to you talk about God when they know you are dealing with a difficult situation in your life?

In some instances, the questions are rhetorical. In others, there is no real answer. Still, some are worth talking about.  Maybe after this is over I will re-visit some of these questions.

A Good Thing

One thing I hope to see as a result of my journey is women who know being good about regular breast exams in order to have problems discovered early. 

Today I met the first one.  Kim, with whom I have worked for years, was walking back with me from doing bus attendance and told me that because of my situation, she had decided she was due a visit to her doctor and was making an appointment today.  I said to her that was good to hear, as this is one thing I have thought that perhaps my being open about what is going on in my life would prod women to do what they ought to be doing.

Preparations Continue

Called the surgeon’s office today, as the cyst on my back has been bothering me.  I don’t want anything to make us have to postpone things next Friday.  It does not seem infected, but there are parts of it that are somewhat sore.  I have had an infection in the area before and have had to have that lanced; but this does not seem to feel or look as if it is infected.  The call did allay my fears about what to do. 

While on the phone, they had other things for me to know about.  (I had not checked my messages yet because I wanted to call the office before they closed at 4:00.)  One is to add another appointment to my schedule for Monday.  Now I have pre-op testing in the morning and a meeting with the surgeon in the afternoon.   Also, there is now a surgical vest that makes recovery and healing from surgery like mine easier and better.  There are fewer problems that arise.  Dr. Bang wants me to get measured for one.

It’s things like these that are making all of this more and more real to me.  I am beginning to catch a glimpse of what is ahead.

Challenges Continue with My Father

My father is not taking the revelation of my disease well.  I came home today to find five messages left from him, starting at 10:30 this morning.  The last one he told me to be sure I was off the internet at 8:00 because that was when he would try again. 

Every time he calls, he is choked up and emotional.  He seems to think I am in pain.  I am not.   He seems to think it odd that I am at work.  I don’t.  He seems to think that cancer equals early death. It doesn't.

I do not think I can be patient with him if this is what he is going to do every day for the next few weeks.  That’s not a right attitude to have.  I have emailed my siblings to see if they can help with this. 

My dad is rather a forgetful person.  He latches onto one single idea and just won’t let it go, no matter whether it is accurate or not OR gives him a distorted picture.  No matter how often something is explained to him, he just does not get it.

My father thinks he ought to be here with me, not in Ohio.  He forgets that he and my mother are a care to whoever houses them.  He forgets that my house is not handicap accessible. 

Wow!

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These are flowers my father sent me.  

Telling My Parents

How does an adult child tell her elderly parents she has cancer?  What if the parents have struggled intensely with their own issues of the reality of aging, leading to problems with anxiety and depressions that can, at times, be debilitating?  That has been one of my challenges, a difficult one.

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Because my father is the chief “phone person,” he is the one who takes in whatever news there is and then shares it with my mother, who usually is in bed resting when Dad decides to call.  What problems does this cause?  Based on previous times when we (my siblings and I) have had to have him work through some major things, like some of the things he and my mother had to do in New York before they moved to Ohio, problems occurred.    My father would not be listening carefully and mess something up, something major enough that it would be unsettling to my mother.  When they both realized Dad was making mistakes, then they would fret and fret – especially my father.  He would not sleep.  Sometimes his problems in communication came about because he would latch onto the wrong bit of information.  Rather than hearing the whole proposition (or instruction), he would latch onto a point and run with it – that, too, usually resulted in situations like those just mentioned.   My mother depends on my father to relay information to her because she does not hear well (and will not wear her hearing aids).  Even then, she does not trust him to get things right, especially if they are serious in nature.

I decided a phone call would not be the right way to share my news with my parents.  I decided a letter would be better.  The information they needed to know would be right there, in print, for them to read and reread.  Nothing would be misheard.  Nothing would be “mis-relayed.”  The challenge to me would be to say enough BUT not scare them, as my parents, especially my father, do not handle well “negative” news about their children.

Dennis thought it would be a good idea to enlist Mark and Debbie to assist with all of this – to have the letter with them and be with Dad and Mom.  Mark and Debbie are the ones who live nearby.  They are family.  They are also pastor/wife, who have people in their church who have faced similar news, whether themselves or family.    We would coordinate things so that I would be at home, waiting in case Mark and Debbie encouraged them to call to talk to me.  Mark and Debbie could be support for Dad and Mom on that end.

I had decided that my letter would include verses that related to things other than passing through trials.  I chose to remind them that we are not to worry about the future (Matt. 6:34).  I chose to remind them that we are to be thankful in all circumstances (1 Thess. 5).  I chose to remind them that we do not always understand the ways of God (Isaiah 55).  I want the focus to be in this:  This is God’s plan for my life.  Although I/we may not understand this, I/we need to accept that.  I have.  God is a good, faithful, and loving God.   How well do I believe that?  How well do we believe that?

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My parents know.  I think that how they got the news was the right way to go, at least for them.  Did Dad cry?  Yes, although I would direct his thoughts to remembering this is God’s plan, not mine, etc.  Mom was all right, too, although a bit quiet on the phone.  I’ll see how this all plays out.

Sometimes I do wonder . . .

Dad had wondered if this came about because of my nerves . . . my nerves over their moving out to Ohio.  (Where did THAT come from?)  Mark/Deb assured them that was not the case.  I think that they were able to focus on the verses I sent at the bottom of my letter.  They will have that there to look at, even after Mark/Debbie leave them for the day.

Thanks to God for getting the news out to my parents rather smoothly.  Now let’s see how often I get calls from my father . . .     😌

My Goal for Now

I have decided to put this as my primary goal:  To put my confidence and trust in a faithful God who knows my present and my future.  He knows why He has chosen this for me at this point in my life.  My natural tendencies are to say that . . .

·         I don’t need this now in my life, as things still are unsettled with my parents, especially my mother.  Couldn’t this wait for a later time?

·         This is for other people, not me.  Breast cancer does not run in my family (although in their older years, my mother’s sister had pancreatic cancer and her mother had some in her lungs).

·         Although I may want to question God, I do not do so in a spirit of anger; it is in an attitude of just not understanding.

I desire to be a witness to the grace that God gives His children in times of difficulty, if they place their trust in Him.  I want to be an example to Dennis’s unsaved family members, the people with whom I work, and even to fellow believers in my church as well as others I know.  I want to grow through this experience, too.

A time may come when I can look back and see how this experience changed me (other than physically) as well as others who are a part of my life.

Some Thoughts

I made the comment this morning to Lori that I had come to the conclusion that we – or at least I – really do not pray enough for ourselves.  By this, I do not mean praying selfishly, but taking the time to truly talk to God and lay before Him things that concern us.  We probably spend more time praying for others than for ourselves. That may be because we feel that it’s wrong to be too centered on ourselves when we pray.

Today I have received even more email and FB messages, as people outside the church are finding out the news and wanting to encourage Dennis and me and tell us they are praying for us.  Cards are also trickling in.  Wow!  People care about me more than sometimes I have cared about them in the past.  I need to be better about this in the future.

This afternoon I had the call to contact the office to see when the surgery will be – January 27, 7:30 am.  I think that reality has begun to set in, as this is the first evening in which I have been choked up and in tears when sharing with Dennis – this time it was about the cards and messages AND an item my sister-in-law Deb* wrote to share with me.  I said to Dennis that I knew this would come along eventually and that probably it will happen a lot more.  I am not sure how things will go tomorrow when I talk with some of my church friends who work at school with me.

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*https://pwmja5.com/2012/03/06/when-god-makes-you-an-example/