Making Progress

So, have I gotten better about saying I am dealing with breast cancer?  In most ways, yes.  I might not be quick to say the word CANCER, but I am talking about my currently dealing with the disease.

What am I currently doing?

•      Going to the surgeon twice a week to have fluid drained.  First he uses a needle on each side to siphon out the fluid; then he goes back to squeeze and press more out.
•      Checking to see how my arms are doing as far as regaining movement in them at each appointment.
•      Checking to see if I have swelling in my left arm, signs of lymphedema, at each appointment.

Things seem better each time.

What’s coming:

•      Bone density test Thursday in preparation for my appointment with the oncologist on Monday.
•      Blood work for the same thing.
•      My usual TH appointment with the surgeon – probably the pattern as long as he keeps getting fluid.

What is my current fear?  Having to take chemo.  Why?  It reaffirms the fact that I am dealing with cancer.  I also do not want to lose my hair.  Selfish, I know.

Focused

How easy it is to let difficult news overwhelm us. It is so easy to let our minds run ahead of us and to maybe even begin to worry about the future.

Even before my diagnosis was confirmed, I was encouraged to not fret about the future; instead, I needed to focus on what things were true:

• Yes, I had a lump; but I have had lumps before that were nothing other than fibrocystic lumps.
• Yes, the mammogram and ultra-sound showed two suspicious areas; but a closer look may show no problems — just things to keep an eye on.
• Yes, the MRI confirmed those two areas as still suspicious-looking AND two possible new problems; but, biopsies may refute that any of it is cancerous. People get back negative results to biopsies.
• Yes, I had two biopsies on one side. The lumps still may not be cancerous. This is a final, closer check.
• Yes, results of the biopsies were held until ones were taken of the other side. May as well just meet once with the doctor about the results rather than twice — especially since I do not live in the city. Waiting does not mean trouble.

Step by step I went. I did not share with too many what was going on, as I did not know FOR SURE that there was a serious problem. Later others told me they wished I had said something sooner about what was going on so they could pray — I assured them that although I appreciated that, I was trying hard to stay focused on what was true . . . what was actual . . . what was real. To me, too much sharing would seem to me to be an indication that I was worried. I was thinking too much about my future. I believed that if I could keep my focus, I would be all right and not feel overwhelmed with what was suddenly going on in my life.

Two verses I latched onto at this point AND kept reminding myself of, if I caught myself fretting:

• Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. (Phil 4:8)
• “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. (Matt. 6:34)

Even as things progressed on to my hearing my diagnosis,my initial treatment, pathology reports and their implications, etc., I found myself going back to these two ideas. One day at a time. Otherwise, this would just be so overwhelming.

Been Awhile

A lot of time has passed since my last entry – I may go back and fill in some earlier dates later.

Where am I?

•          Healing
•          Sore, especially in my arms; bruised
•          Seem pulled together across the chest area
•          Starting to have to exercise my arms more to regain some of their mobility, especially on the left side
•          Getting ready to finally be able to shower, after two weeks . . .
•          Have looked at the incision and stitching – WOW!  Very weird, though.
•          Thankful to know that the cancer problem seems to have been caught in time and that I made right decisions.  Thankful that only one node was affected.

Last evening Dennis counted that we have received 106 cards – today I got five more:  relatives, church people, school people.

So thankful that my sister Becky and her kids (Sara and Peter) were here last week to help out with a variety of things.  She even prepared several entrees to freeze for later use to make things a little easier for me, especially when I return to work.

Another Amazing Sunday

Sunday was definitely a remarkable day that capped a  really amazing last half of the week.  I have already written about the gifts I received on February 16.  What happened Sunday evening fits right in with the unique gift that included a letter telling its story.

Dennis and I had a Social Committee meeting.  Our group likes to dine out when we are engaged in committee business.  Last evening we decided to meet at an Italian restaurant in Norwich.  Not everyone could make it; but there were Brian, Phil & Becky, Caleb & Leslie, and us.  We had a good time – and we laid out initial plans for the first half of the year.  Dennis then decided we needed to go see where Caleb and Leslie lived, since we were in their area. 

On our way into Caleb and Leslie’s, I was telling Becky about my gifts that came Thursday and that one of the items, the bracelet, had a story that went with it, going back to before 2004.  I was telling her how neat that was.

As we got ready to head home, Becky came over to me from her car.  She had a gift bag she wanted me to have.  Also she wanted to just hug me.  I am sure this situation is difficult for her, as she did so much to help Val out during Val’s cancer battle.  Becky told me how she wished she could trade places with me.  Wow!  “Greater love has no man than this – than he give up his life for his friends.”

I got home, opened the bag to see what was there.  A small stuffed bear . . . and a letter.  This bear had been named Grace, as its initial owner wanted to be reminded about God’s grace as she faced her battle against cancer.  When things settled down for her, she decided to pass the bear on to another woman she knew who had issues she was struggling with.  Eventually, the woman returned the bear to the initial owner because the initial owner was again dealing with cancer issues.  The bear eventually was passed on to Becky, as she faced difficulties, again to remind her of God’s grace.  Becky had decided it was time to pass the bear on – to me.  Who was the initial owner of the bear?  Val.    Isn’t that amazing?!?!

A Glitch

I could sense that a problem was developing around the cyst on my upper back.  That cyst had been there for years, and no medical person seemed to think that I ought to get it excised -- until I met with Dr. Bang for my first visit in December.  The cyst was on his "To Do" list, once we knew for sure what my other problem was.  Because it turns out that I have cancer, the cyst problem was put off. 

The area around the cyst began to be sore, and I really dreaded the thought that an infection might develop.  So, I quit going to exercise class (5:15 am, MWF, at church).  I felt that irritation might lead to problems.

Dr. Bang was out of town for two weeks, which was why the surgery was not to be until the end of January.  My final meeting with him would be the Monday before my Friday surgery.  The last half of the week before that appointment, I would have my husband check that area on my back to see if it looked infected because things there were not calming down even though I had given up things that would aggravate it.  I did call the doctor's office to see what they suggested, in case I thought that there actually was more than an irritation going on.  They said that if I needed to, I could go to the ER at the hospital and they could treat the problem.  That way there would be a record there at the hospital of what had transpired.  As it was, I was able to wait until my appointment.

Well, Dr. Bang determined that I had a small infection.  My surgery was postponed.  This appointment then focused on the cyst.  Dr. Bang had me lie on my belly on the table.  He injected a numbing drug around the area of the cyst.  Then he proceeded to lance the cyst and drain the area.  Some of that required his pressing and squeezing the area, which was painful.  Add to it the fact that the matter looked gross and apparently smelled.  I could not tell, but my husband, the nurse, and Dr. Bang could -- at times, Dr. Bang had to step away to get some different air.  Junk kept coming, it seemed. 

Finally that was done.  Dr. Bang put gauze and tape on the area and gave me a prescription to be sure the infection was cleared and one for pain.  The gauze needed to be changed every day, and I was to come back that Thursday and again the following Monday to check the progress.  All three, the nurse, the doctor, and my husband commented on the size of the hole that this procedure left.

So, surgery was rescheduled for February 6; however, as time drew near, Dr. Bang knew that was not going to happen.  UGH!  Here I was dealing with a cyst problem that was postponing dealing with the cancer problem.  Initially I thought that things with the cancer must not be too bad, since it seemed that there was no urgency to see what could be done to get that hole healed in my back so that it would be safe to do the surgery -- no open wound that might welcome infection from the OR.

What was painful for quite some time with the changing of the bandaging was that someone had to pack the area with some gauze before covering it with a bandage.  That stuffing was not at all fun.  I almost felt like back-kicking the person behind me who was doing that -- but I controlled myself.

Dr. Bang decided that he really could not postpone things any longer and set the date, the third date, for February 22.  To be sure things were good with my back, since it was just a matter of the area healing well, he used silver nitrate to cauterize the area around the cyst.  Still, I was having to change the bandaging, but there was no more packing the space with gauze.  Yea!

Dr. Bang told me, that final appointment, that I was to be ready to explain to the hospital staff about the bandage on my back, as there were things they would be attending to before he appeared.  Things were good, and Dr. Bang was aware of the problem.

One mini-trial was over, and now I could focus on the larger one -- the cancer.

Ready to Say I Have Cancer

Today I had a change of spirit.  I decided that I needed to stop hanging on the fringes, to stop trying to get away from the fact that I am someone who has breast cancer.  I need to stop being a stinker about pink . . . about showing, even in a small way, that I am one of those directly affected by the disease.

I opened the mailbox this afternoon to get our mail.  In there was a package addressed to me.  Like the other package, this one came from MD, from another friend of mine who has been dealing with breast cancer.  Ironically, these two women I have heard from the past few weeks, women who sent me gifts, are two I spent time with when I was between flights from DC to Europe in 2008.  These ladies were at one time my teachers at Capitol Christian Academy.  As adults, we three shared an interest in education, as we were teachers.  We had an interest in Christian education, as we were teachers in a Christian schools.  Now we share a common disease.  They have a handle on theirs; my battle has just begun.

In the package from Carol today I found two items plus a letter.  There was a bracelet  (silver and pink) with a charm that stated “Love Heals” and a book, Savoring God, a book written by a breast cancer survivor.  The story of the bracelet and that fact that it has been passed on to me is what caught my attention to the need of changing my response to my disease. 

Sure, I am accepting of the fact that I have breast cancer; but I have not been accepting of all the other things that come with it – identification a little more obviously as being one of those battling the disease.   

Valentines' Day

What a cool start to the school day this morning!  There was a note left on my computer that said there were flowers for me at the Visitors’ Center. 

Well, it was from Dennis – an arrangement of a dozen roses plus a box of chocolates.  Already I had opened an amazing card from him at home before coming to school.  I had a LOT of comments on my flowers . . . Dennis has done something like this before BUT not with a dozen roses and chocolates.  I am thinking it is because of the situation we are currently facing with my cancer AS WELL AS his being out of town on his annual Mexico trip because at the last minute, my surgery date changed and made it possible for  him to go – it is something I wanted for him to go ahead and do, regardless of what others might think.   With all that is going on here, the time away probably has been good for him in a lot of ways.  I have been fine here, with people looking out for me and my needs.

I said to my friend Lori today that I don’t think I yet totally grasp what lies ahead for me.  I want to think that all there is is surgery and recovery; but I think that probably won’t be it.  I have never had such a challenge put before me in my life. 

My nearest family, aside from cousins, lives 200 miles away; however, I have such a wonderful group of friends and family that I am being supported and looked after by – and will be.   WOW!  I lack nothing.  

I can’t even begin to imagine 5-6 hours+ in surgery plus recovery.  That will take most of the day.  Then I stay overnight at the hospital.  I get let out some time the following day.  That, too, is seemingly unreal.

My back is cleared of infection.  Dr. Bang used silver nitrate and sealed the small space in my back.  So, that problem will be re-addressed at a later date.