An Acrostic

Challenge beyond all other challenges

Awful disease to have, most times

Not at all predictable in its outcome

Curable?  Depends

Ever present threat, once it’s yours

Reality for me

Another Reality Check

Today I was given another reality check – the name of my oncologist and the date I meet with him.  Wow!  This physician is associated with Upstate in Syracuse, which has expanded its cancer program significantly.  Initially my appointment was for Monday, but I prefer to have Dennis along.  Since these physicians work between Syracuse and Cortland, they are not in town every day of the week.  So, I had the appointment moved to February 20, the day before my surgery.

What runs through my mind:

• ·    I am not sure what I think when I am put in touch with cancer survivors who are ready to help me along.
• ·     I am not sure what I think when I am told I have another doctor to add to my list, an oncologist.  It makes me think more about my treatments – will I have to do chemo or will I be able to do something else?
• ·     Right now, I am just not caring for PINK.  Makes me seem a disloyal sister to the cause, as pink is associated with breast cancer; but really, I am not ready to embrace it  --“advertise” that I am one of them

I said to my friend Lori today that I am just not caring for pink right now AND that I am tired of getting cancer stuff in the mail.  Maybe this is my way of working through things, as otherwise, I seem to be doing all right.  It does make me wonder if other people get inundated with materials about their diseases too . .

Musings

Today was to be my surgery  --  the rescheduled surgery because my initial date of January 27 had been canceled due to an infection I developed in a sebaceous cyst. 

My appointment last Thursday showed that I would still not be healed enough for today, and so I was again postponed.  I did not deal with that news very well at first, although I could understand. 

Once Dennis and I got out to the car, I just pretty much just sat there.  I did say to him, though, that I just did not understand why this that keeps happening.  No, I wasn’t mad at God; but I just didn’t get why this part of the trial keeps going on and on.  I can’t catch a break anywhere.  I just wanted to be left alone so I could sort through things and re-group.

Dennis did make supper that evening, after he got home from work.  I had the things he needed to make chicken and biscuits.  He was very understanding. 

My outlet was the internet.  There I could share some of my thoughts with friends without actually talking to them face to face.  That was a help.  Plus, my friend/co-worker Lori stopped by to see how I was doing plus to clue me in on things about class, as she would not be there Friday.

I did not sleep well. 

By Friday I was doing all right.  That’s how I want things to be.  If I am down about something, I want to not stay down too long. 

After school I did stop by to visit with my pastor.   I had an idea he knew how things were for me, as I had cued his wife in on Thursday evening.  I found out later that Dennis had popped over next door on his break to talk to her at work Friday.  I wanted the pastor to know that I was doing all right.  If there was a focus to our discussion as to what makes things difficult, it was people – well-meaning people, but people who asked more questions than they needed to or shared opinions that weren’t needing to be shared.  It happens to Dennis at the store.  It happens to both of us at church.  It just happens.  It gets tiring to remain gracious. 

Postponed Again

WOW!  I just do not get it at all . . .  Postponed again because of that infected cyst.  Infection is still a problem, as is the “crater” that needs to fill back in with tissue.  Dennis thought it looked the size of a golf ball; I am wanting to think maybe it’s a little smaller, like a little smaller than a ping pong ball.  UGH!

My surgery had been re-scheduled to February 6, because of the cyst, which was lanced last week.

There really is nothing new anyone can say to me to offer any encouragement, aside from they are sorry about this and are continuing to pray OR offer me a reminder that all of this is in God’s timing.  Really, what can anyone say that will make me feel any better about how things have gone for me the past two months.

Waiting Again

This was to be the day of my surgery;  however,  infection caused it to be postponed.  I can’t say that the change was a huge let down, but I will say that it can cause some real challenges in dealing with reality.  I can push this cancer and the surgery to the back of my mind and think it all a dream, only to remind myself that it is not a dream.  This is real.  To think it will all just go away is ridiculous.  To ignore it would probably mean a painful, early death – what my father seems to think I am already doomed to have.

I am not sure just how many people in the town and school know about my situation; but I find out every day that there are more and more.  Yesterday was one of those days, because it would have been my last day at school for awhile.  I had quite a few colleagues pop by to chat with me and others pull me aside.  I have never dealt with a personal crisis outside a church/Christian school setting; and for me to see unsaved people showing love and care towards me shows me that when things seem to be taking a difficult turn, people do care – Christian or not.  The difference now is that my coping with this disease gives me openings to share that my trust is in God.   These people are more willing to hear me talk about the things of the Lord.  I also am finding that there are other Christians at school than I first realized.  They may not be the same denomination as I, but I have heard them speak of their salvation experience and know that they truly are believers.  Cool!

To hear the details of my surgery makes it a bit scary.  Four to five hours of surgery seems like such a long time.  An incision from arm pit to arm pit seems so long.  Then there are the thoughts about what comes next . . . what type of treatment?  Will I lose my hair?  Will I choose to go bald or wear a wig or wear a hat?  Maybe I won’t have any of that.  I decided that I just need to focus on one thing at a time, which for now is surgery.

I did stop by to talk with my pastor today.  This would be visit #3, I think:

1.  December 23 -- To tell him what was going on, although his wife had known  (and passed on information); I thought the time was right for me to talk to him directly.

2.  January 7 – To tell him the results, which I had heard that Thursday, as I believed that now was the time for the church, as a whole, to know.  We went over what he would share with the congregation the following morning.

He has gotten used to my approach – I keep his wife informed along the way; she passes things on to him; and he knows that I will come by for a chat at certain points along the way.  Today it was to talk about what had transpired this week.  Things I have been dealing with (i.e. my parents, reactions at school, rescheduling of surgery).  I want him to see my face and listen to my voice because I think it gives him an even better idea of how I am doing overall.

I shared with him what I had said to my father the other night, as we siblings are just running out of ideas.  I had told my father to think about what he, a minister, would say to a family in a situation like this.  I wasn’t expecting him to answer; I just wanted to re-direct his thinking.  He asked me if I was thinking he needed to practice what he preaches.  I said NO; he just needs to listen.

I told him how my father’s thinking is so out of line with what he knows.  He was saying to one of my siblings that he couldn’t understand why bad things are happening to his good children, as if we are exempt from "bad" things.  I said to my pastor that I need to remind my father that this is a test of our character.  How well did we learn at home? At church?  At the Christian school?   That is perhaps why – it is a test.

So, Pastor and I had a good sharing time.  As always, the time ended in prayer.  I am not one to take advantage of my pastor and his time. But, I do think it is important, at times, to share things with him, as that is part of what his ministry is.  I need to be willing to go to him, too.

A Dose of Reality

Yesterday was a day that could be summed up like this:

1)      A dose of reality

2)      A complication

Reality was going to the hospital for pre-op testing:  urine, blood, EKG, x-rays, meeting with a nurse, meeting with a “Cancer Navigator,” meeting with the anesthesiologist.  Reality was getting more pamphlets and brochures on the subject of cancer/breast cancer.  Reality was meeting in the afternoon with the surgeon and hearing the surgery itself would last 4-5 hours . . . that the incision would go from arm pit to arm pit . . . that lymph nodes would be taken from the left side . . . that I could have to deal with swelling in my left arm long after the surgery because of that . . . I would be wrapped tightly in ace bandages . . . I was reminded in my own heart and mind that this is indeed a big deal.  I was glad Dennis was with me for the meeting with the surgeon.

Complication was finding out that the cyst on my back, which has been there for years, was not just irritated but also a bit infected.  This meant that surgery would wait.  This meant that right there, Dr. Bang would lance the cyst and work at cleaning out the mess in that cyst.  This cyst is on a TO DO list for later, as it needs to be excised; but it got bumped out of immediate contention because of more pressing health issues.   The current “fix” is just a temporary one.  The shots did not deaden all of the pain and discomfort I felt as the DR pressed and pushed out the stuff in that cyst.  I could not sense much, as I was under cloths that the DR put over my head and lower back; but Dennis said the smell of the stuff was putrid, getting to the DR a few times.  Dennis was fascinated with what he saw coming out of that small incision on my back.  The cyst runs deep.  I was sent home with gauze IN the incision plus gauze and tape covering the incision area.  I was given a prescription for an antibiotic.  I was hurting, and so I walked very slowly out of that office with an appointment to return Thursday to see how things are progressing so that we can set a new date for the surgery.  Dr. Bang wants the infection gone, even if the incision is not yet healed, before we do the other surgery.

I have gotten used to having to wait so many times through this journey that I guess I wasn’t all that let down with what happened today.  I think, though, that what lies most on my mind is the surgery itself and what it will mean for me.  I am a little afraid of it all, although I know that God will enable me to rest in Him.

This morning the teacher I work with, a good friend of mine, took the time to pray for me.  I was at school, but I was physically hurting somewhat all day.  I knew I belonged at school, but I also knew I was going to be somewhat slower than usual and a bit stiffer than usual.  I needed the diversion.  I am thankful for working with Lori, my friend, my colleague, my sister in the Lord.  She is a ready ear for me when I am struggling through these uncharted waters.

Closing In on Surgery Day

I think that I am starting to get an idea of what lies ahead for me, once I am out of surgery.  The thought of my upper body draining out fluid for days or more afterwards seems a bit gross.  Not sure why this happens and why it goes on for so long, but it does.  A fairly new device that the surgeon wants to use is called a surgical compression vest.  This is to help with the draining plus lessen recovery time overall.  It is meant to wrap the entire upper body and hold it firmly in place.  There also will be a time in which I will not be able to shower.  It will be interesting to see how I manage to feel clean, especially with my hair.

My father still is not handling this well.  Regardless of what anyone tells him, he seems to think that I am in pain.  He seems to think it strange that I am working – even up to the day before the surgery.  He seems to have the idea that his family is too good to be plagued with things like Sharon’s MS and my cancer:  we did not do drugs; we were not immoral people; we were good kids.  It seems odd that I am having to try to re-direct the thinking of a minister.  Actually, all of us “kids” are.  Granted, a lot of this is probably due to his age (88).  He just does not process things well anymore.  I  am the one comforting him, not he comforting me.  He calls every day, and he cries.

The cyst on my back decided, after years and years of just being there, to flare up.  It has left me, all week, wondering what to do.  It does not seem infected.  It does not seem to be growing.  It is rather sore, though.  This is the cyst that is on the “To Do List,” and was pushed down the list because of my cancer issues, which surfaced.  The cyst is eventually to be removed.  Now, it presents a dilemma, as my surgeon has been out of town the past two weeks.  I was told that if it really did look like it was infected or had grown to go to the ER at the Cortland hospital.  Explain my situation.  They probably would lance it to get me by until I could see my surgeon.  The records would be there at the hospital for reference, since I am about to be processed for my surgery.  If I can, I will wait until my appointment Monday afternoon with my surgeon.

The other bugaboo is that I seem to be fighting off a cold.  A cold is another thing I do not need at this time.  Dennis went to Cortland this morning to get me some zinc.  That plus Vitamin C I hope will ward off a cold – or have it run a short course, as I am in it on the fringes.