Disappointments

It seems that no matter how hard I have tried to remain positive through my current health situation, nothing has gone my way. That sounds selfish — like I think God isn’t playing fair with me, like He just isn’t wanting me to catch a break.

I had hopes that my cancer surgery would be the only difficulty I would have to face. Have the surgery. Cut out the bad stuff. Heal. Take the daily hormonal therapy pill for five years. I could handle that all right.

The oncologist thought differently about my treatment after he read through the pathology report from my surgery. Because one of the tumors was rather large, larger than first thought, and because the cancer had invaded one of the lymph nodes, I was told that I have Stage IIIA cancer. Treatment would entail much more than just the pills. I heard the dreaded word, chemotherapy. The follow-up treatment being prescribed would also include radiation therapy.

Here I was, going from one easy follow-up treatment to having to do everything. That floored me. My husband was with me when I was told the news. He and I listened as the oncologist laid out the statistics of the chances of return of some type of cancer — 67% if I did only did one thing; over 40% of I did two of the things; less than 25% if I did all three. Probably those odds still aren’t all that encouraging; however, I think that once a person has cancer, the cancer always remains in the background — there always is a chance of its returning, no matter how low the percentages.

As we went on through the consultation in preparation for treatment, we were told that the approach was meant to be preventative and it would be aggressive. Chemo would happen every other week, eight times. The first four infusions would be especially toxic, especially nasty. The final four, although still toxic, would be less nasty. It is very probable that my hair would fall out before I even had the second infusion of the first kind.

Next would be a 4-6 week break in which there would be medical tests to see how the chemo has worked. This time would also be preparation for radiation therapy. This would happen five days a week for 6-7 weeks. I would be sent to a radiation oncologist for this phase of treatment. This therapy would probably cause fatigue and would be hard on the skin in those areas targeted to be zapped. Once this was done, then I would start the hormonal therapy — what I thought was maybe all I would have to do to begin with.

Needless to say, I felt as if I had been hit again, as I left from this appointment. I did NOT want to do chemo, not because of stories I have heard about it — or my remembering my friend Val and her doing chemo — I did not want to have to be missing out on “regular” life. I did not want to deal with losing my hair. I did not want to deal with not feeling good sometimes. I wanted to resume my regular life. That’s not to be.

As I often do, when I get hit with some difficult news, I just was very quiet. My husband knows this is how I get when I have to sort through things and try to work through them. I get quiet. I didn’t question God about the why of this. I just wasn’t sure I was ready for all of this. I thought I had had enough up to this point, from the testing in December, to the diagnosis in early January, to the delays because of the infection I developed on my back, to the surgery and on-going recovery. Wasn’t that enough? I thought to myself.

I had to remind myself that God has promised me that anything He sends my way I can handle, with His help. If it’s more than I can handle, it’s not going to happen. Do I really believe it?

Yes, I am disappointed that my disease is more involved than I first heard. Yes, I am disappointed that my recovery is being delayed. Yes, I am disappointed that my treatments now entail everything out there that is used to battle cancer.

How do I get over this? Set my mind where it belongs. God will not fail me. I have so many friends and family who are praying for me. They, too, are such a support for me. I am sure I will get through this.

No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; He’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; He’ll always be there to help you come through it” (1 Cor. 10:13 — The Message).