I was to
start chemo. Since this was the first day, my oncologist wanted to review with
me the results of last week's bone scan as well as CT scan. That made sense, as
don't we all want to know results from any tests we take?
The bone
scan was good. It showed some signs of arthritis -- not sure where -- but that
was about it. That was a good sign. Cancer had not spread into the bones.
The CT scan
looked good as far as the organs (lungs, pancreas, liver, lungs ...) and the
chest; however, it showed some possible problems in three lymph nodes near in
my chest area. (I have to "research" this to see the area . . .).
Slightly enlarged. Small spots. This sometimes does occur; but it is not very
common. It does not necessarily mean there is a serious problem. The
explanations were
(1) a
reaction to my surgery, since lymph nodes were involved;
(2) possible
start of cancer there. UGH!
Dr.
Benjamin was not wanting to start chemo, if there were other cancer-type issues
to address. He was thinking a PET scan. If that indicated no sign of cancer,
then things would go on as planned. If it looked suspicious, then I would have
to have biopsies (UGH!).
I can't say
I remember what the plan would then be -- would a different type of chemo be the
plan, one that attacks cancer vs one that is to keep it away? Would it be
something they could deal with with radiation. I did not like the thought of
more chest surgery, as I am hardly recovered from this one -- although Dr. B
thought the area looked more healed than last visit two weeks ago. So, chemo
was going to be put off until next Monday -- subject to change again. (My
sister-in-law/friend was with me, and she was taking this all in, too.)
Did we come
right back home? No. I needed some time to just work through this. We got in
the car. I was, as usual when these things happen, quiet. Then I said let's go
to Perkins so I could drown my sorrows in black coffee and muffins. (I have a
gift card from my colleagues at school for Perkins, and so I sprang for the
bill. Am I not the generous person??)
I know that
usually I am ok, but sometimes I just need time to be quiet and just sort
through things. I was not depressed, as I would sit quietly. Then I would talk.
Then I would make some smart remark. We'd laugh. We'd get on with regular
conversation. Then the same pattern would repeat itself.
From there
we went to do a little shopping -- we had the day AND I wasn't suffering
after-effects of chemo. I was dealing with after-effects of disappointment.
Actually, Dennis had been disappointed the other evening to realize our desktop
computer is too old to get it to access wireless. So, I decided to shop for a
second laptop. It didn't need to be super-fast game friendly. I got a Compaq
for $298. I also found a cool hat for my new collection. Hope to get Skype
going, as this has a webcam built in. [Dennis hardly does anything on the
computer, except check espn.com and other sports sites, especially during
baseball and college basketball season.]
I could not
find Dennis at work to tell him what happened. Went to church to tell Doris
(church secretary and Hospitality Committee head) things needed to be moved a
week, as church people had signed up to help with transportation and other
things for the next weeks and beyond.
Got home.
Message was left. I thought it was the call to tell me when to be in Syracuse
for the Pet scan. I could see Dennis had heard it -- not that he understood it.
It was Dr. Benjamin. He had talked with Dr. Gibbs, the radiology man at
Cortland. Dr. G told Dr. B that the spots were too small to be picked up with a
PET scan. It would probably be better to go ahead with the chemo and then do
another CT scan afterwards to see if there is any change in those other lymph
nodes.
I really am
not sure what I think. While "The Plan" is on, just a week later than
planned, there is now that uncertainty about whether or not I am showing signs
of developing more cancer in the lymph nodes in another area. I am working
through this and reminding myself to leave it in God's hands. I have no control
over my future in this regard. ONE DAY AT A TIME.
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