Waiting Again

This was to be the day of my surgery;  however,  infection caused it to be postponed.  I can’t say that the change was a huge let down, but I will say that it can cause some real challenges in dealing with reality.  I can push this cancer and the surgery to the back of my mind and think it all a dream, only to remind myself that it is not a dream.  This is real.  To think it will all just go away is ridiculous.  To ignore it would probably mean a painful, early death – what my father seems to think I am already doomed to have.

I am not sure just how many people in the town and school know about my situation; but I find out every day that there are more and more.  Yesterday was one of those days, because it would have been my last day at school for awhile.  I had quite a few colleagues pop by to chat with me and others pull me aside.  I have never dealt with a personal crisis outside a church/Christian school setting; and for me to see unsaved people showing love and care towards me shows me that when things seem to be taking a difficult turn, people do care – Christian or not.  The difference now is that my coping with this disease gives me openings to share that my trust is in God.   These people are more willing to hear me talk about the things of the Lord.  I also am finding that there are other Christians at school than I first realized.  They may not be the same denomination as I, but I have heard them speak of their salvation experience and know that they truly are believers.  Cool!

To hear the details of my surgery makes it a bit scary.  Four to five hours of surgery seems like such a long time.  An incision from arm pit to arm pit seems so long.  Then there are the thoughts about what comes next . . . what type of treatment?  Will I lose my hair?  Will I choose to go bald or wear a wig or wear a hat?  Maybe I won’t have any of that.  I decided that I just need to focus on one thing at a time, which for now is surgery.

I did stop by to talk with my pastor today.  This would be visit #3, I think:

1.  December 23 -- To tell him what was going on, although his wife had known  (and passed on information); I thought the time was right for me to talk to him directly.

2.  January 7 – To tell him the results, which I had heard that Thursday, as I believed that now was the time for the church, as a whole, to know.  We went over what he would share with the congregation the following morning.

He has gotten used to my approach – I keep his wife informed along the way; she passes things on to him; and he knows that I will come by for a chat at certain points along the way.  Today it was to talk about what had transpired this week.  Things I have been dealing with (i.e. my parents, reactions at school, rescheduling of surgery).  I want him to see my face and listen to my voice because I think it gives him an even better idea of how I am doing overall.

I shared with him what I had said to my father the other night, as we siblings are just running out of ideas.  I had told my father to think about what he, a minister, would say to a family in a situation like this.  I wasn’t expecting him to answer; I just wanted to re-direct his thinking.  He asked me if I was thinking he needed to practice what he preaches.  I said NO; he just needs to listen.

I told him how my father’s thinking is so out of line with what he knows.  He was saying to one of my siblings that he couldn’t understand why bad things are happening to his good children, as if we are exempt from "bad" things.  I said to my pastor that I need to remind my father that this is a test of our character.  How well did we learn at home? At church?  At the Christian school?   That is perhaps why – it is a test.

So, Pastor and I had a good sharing time.  As always, the time ended in prayer.  I am not one to take advantage of my pastor and his time. But, I do think it is important, at times, to share things with him, as that is part of what his ministry is.  I need to be willing to go to him, too.

A Dose of Reality

Yesterday was a day that could be summed up like this:

1)      A dose of reality

2)      A complication

Reality was going to the hospital for pre-op testing:  urine, blood, EKG, x-rays, meeting with a nurse, meeting with a “Cancer Navigator,” meeting with the anesthesiologist.  Reality was getting more pamphlets and brochures on the subject of cancer/breast cancer.  Reality was meeting in the afternoon with the surgeon and hearing the surgery itself would last 4-5 hours . . . that the incision would go from arm pit to arm pit . . . that lymph nodes would be taken from the left side . . . that I could have to deal with swelling in my left arm long after the surgery because of that . . . I would be wrapped tightly in ace bandages . . . I was reminded in my own heart and mind that this is indeed a big deal.  I was glad Dennis was with me for the meeting with the surgeon.

Complication was finding out that the cyst on my back, which has been there for years, was not just irritated but also a bit infected.  This meant that surgery would wait.  This meant that right there, Dr. Bang would lance the cyst and work at cleaning out the mess in that cyst.  This cyst is on a TO DO list for later, as it needs to be excised; but it got bumped out of immediate contention because of more pressing health issues.   The current “fix” is just a temporary one.  The shots did not deaden all of the pain and discomfort I felt as the DR pressed and pushed out the stuff in that cyst.  I could not sense much, as I was under cloths that the DR put over my head and lower back; but Dennis said the smell of the stuff was putrid, getting to the DR a few times.  Dennis was fascinated with what he saw coming out of that small incision on my back.  The cyst runs deep.  I was sent home with gauze IN the incision plus gauze and tape covering the incision area.  I was given a prescription for an antibiotic.  I was hurting, and so I walked very slowly out of that office with an appointment to return Thursday to see how things are progressing so that we can set a new date for the surgery.  Dr. Bang wants the infection gone, even if the incision is not yet healed, before we do the other surgery.

I have gotten used to having to wait so many times through this journey that I guess I wasn’t all that let down with what happened today.  I think, though, that what lies most on my mind is the surgery itself and what it will mean for me.  I am a little afraid of it all, although I know that God will enable me to rest in Him.

This morning the teacher I work with, a good friend of mine, took the time to pray for me.  I was at school, but I was physically hurting somewhat all day.  I knew I belonged at school, but I also knew I was going to be somewhat slower than usual and a bit stiffer than usual.  I needed the diversion.  I am thankful for working with Lori, my friend, my colleague, my sister in the Lord.  She is a ready ear for me when I am struggling through these uncharted waters.

Closing In on Surgery Day

I think that I am starting to get an idea of what lies ahead for me, once I am out of surgery.  The thought of my upper body draining out fluid for days or more afterwards seems a bit gross.  Not sure why this happens and why it goes on for so long, but it does.  A fairly new device that the surgeon wants to use is called a surgical compression vest.  This is to help with the draining plus lessen recovery time overall.  It is meant to wrap the entire upper body and hold it firmly in place.  There also will be a time in which I will not be able to shower.  It will be interesting to see how I manage to feel clean, especially with my hair.

My father still is not handling this well.  Regardless of what anyone tells him, he seems to think that I am in pain.  He seems to think it strange that I am working – even up to the day before the surgery.  He seems to have the idea that his family is too good to be plagued with things like Sharon’s MS and my cancer:  we did not do drugs; we were not immoral people; we were good kids.  It seems odd that I am having to try to re-direct the thinking of a minister.  Actually, all of us “kids” are.  Granted, a lot of this is probably due to his age (88).  He just does not process things well anymore.  I  am the one comforting him, not he comforting me.  He calls every day, and he cries.

The cyst on my back decided, after years and years of just being there, to flare up.  It has left me, all week, wondering what to do.  It does not seem infected.  It does not seem to be growing.  It is rather sore, though.  This is the cyst that is on the “To Do List,” and was pushed down the list because of my cancer issues, which surfaced.  The cyst is eventually to be removed.  Now, it presents a dilemma, as my surgeon has been out of town the past two weeks.  I was told that if it really did look like it was infected or had grown to go to the ER at the Cortland hospital.  Explain my situation.  They probably would lance it to get me by until I could see my surgeon.  The records would be there at the hospital for reference, since I am about to be processed for my surgery.  If I can, I will wait until my appointment Monday afternoon with my surgeon.

The other bugaboo is that I seem to be fighting off a cold.  A cold is another thing I do not need at this time.  Dennis went to Cortland this morning to get me some zinc.  That plus Vitamin C I hope will ward off a cold – or have it run a short course, as I am in it on the fringes.

Questions

I find myself asking questions of all kinds, as I contemplate my newly diagnosed disease:

·  Why is a word that is so easy to spell (c-a-n-c-e-r) so difficult to say?

·  Why do we rarely hear the word dreadful used to describe other debilitating diseases, like M.S. or heart disease?

·  Why is it so difficult to share "bad" news with family and friends?

·  Why do people seem to think they are entitled to know things just because they may know you?

·  Why does it seem like some people look at you differently because they know you have cancer?

·  Why is it that when cancer does "go away," it doesn't really ever go away?

·  Why do you feel as if people who know, think you'll certainly die an early death or that you certainly are going to have a rough time?

·  Why does "bad" news seem to spread faster than "good" news?

·  Why are unregenerate people more willing to listen to you talk about God when they know you are dealing with a difficult situation in your life?

In some instances, the questions are rhetorical. In others, there is no real answer. Still, some are worth talking about.  Maybe after this is over I will re-visit some of these questions.

A Good Thing

One thing I hope to see as a result of my journey is women who know being good about regular breast exams in order to have problems discovered early. 

Today I met the first one.  Kim, with whom I have worked for years, was walking back with me from doing bus attendance and told me that because of my situation, she had decided she was due a visit to her doctor and was making an appointment today.  I said to her that was good to hear, as this is one thing I have thought that perhaps my being open about what is going on in my life would prod women to do what they ought to be doing.

Preparations Continue

Called the surgeon’s office today, as the cyst on my back has been bothering me.  I don’t want anything to make us have to postpone things next Friday.  It does not seem infected, but there are parts of it that are somewhat sore.  I have had an infection in the area before and have had to have that lanced; but this does not seem to feel or look as if it is infected.  The call did allay my fears about what to do. 

While on the phone, they had other things for me to know about.  (I had not checked my messages yet because I wanted to call the office before they closed at 4:00.)  One is to add another appointment to my schedule for Monday.  Now I have pre-op testing in the morning and a meeting with the surgeon in the afternoon.   Also, there is now a surgical vest that makes recovery and healing from surgery like mine easier and better.  There are fewer problems that arise.  Dr. Bang wants me to get measured for one.

It’s things like these that are making all of this more and more real to me.  I am beginning to catch a glimpse of what is ahead.

Challenges Continue with My Father

My father is not taking the revelation of my disease well.  I came home today to find five messages left from him, starting at 10:30 this morning.  The last one he told me to be sure I was off the internet at 8:00 because that was when he would try again. 

Every time he calls, he is choked up and emotional.  He seems to think I am in pain.  I am not.   He seems to think it odd that I am at work.  I don’t.  He seems to think that cancer equals early death. It doesn't.

I do not think I can be patient with him if this is what he is going to do every day for the next few weeks.  That’s not a right attitude to have.  I have emailed my siblings to see if they can help with this. 

My dad is rather a forgetful person.  He latches onto one single idea and just won’t let it go, no matter whether it is accurate or not OR gives him a distorted picture.  No matter how often something is explained to him, he just does not get it.

My father thinks he ought to be here with me, not in Ohio.  He forgets that he and my mother are a care to whoever houses them.  He forgets that my house is not handicap accessible. 

Wow!

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These are flowers my father sent me.  

Telling My Parents

How does an adult child tell her elderly parents she has cancer?  What if the parents have struggled intensely with their own issues of the reality of aging, leading to problems with anxiety and depressions that can, at times, be debilitating?  That has been one of my challenges, a difficult one.

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Because my father is the chief “phone person,” he is the one who takes in whatever news there is and then shares it with my mother, who usually is in bed resting when Dad decides to call.  What problems does this cause?  Based on previous times when we (my siblings and I) have had to have him work through some major things, like some of the things he and my mother had to do in New York before they moved to Ohio, problems occurred.    My father would not be listening carefully and mess something up, something major enough that it would be unsettling to my mother.  When they both realized Dad was making mistakes, then they would fret and fret – especially my father.  He would not sleep.  Sometimes his problems in communication came about because he would latch onto the wrong bit of information.  Rather than hearing the whole proposition (or instruction), he would latch onto a point and run with it – that, too, usually resulted in situations like those just mentioned.   My mother depends on my father to relay information to her because she does not hear well (and will not wear her hearing aids).  Even then, she does not trust him to get things right, especially if they are serious in nature.

I decided a phone call would not be the right way to share my news with my parents.  I decided a letter would be better.  The information they needed to know would be right there, in print, for them to read and reread.  Nothing would be misheard.  Nothing would be “mis-relayed.”  The challenge to me would be to say enough BUT not scare them, as my parents, especially my father, do not handle well “negative” news about their children.

Dennis thought it would be a good idea to enlist Mark and Debbie to assist with all of this – to have the letter with them and be with Dad and Mom.  Mark and Debbie are the ones who live nearby.  They are family.  They are also pastor/wife, who have people in their church who have faced similar news, whether themselves or family.    We would coordinate things so that I would be at home, waiting in case Mark and Debbie encouraged them to call to talk to me.  Mark and Debbie could be support for Dad and Mom on that end.

I had decided that my letter would include verses that related to things other than passing through trials.  I chose to remind them that we are not to worry about the future (Matt. 6:34).  I chose to remind them that we are to be thankful in all circumstances (1 Thess. 5).  I chose to remind them that we do not always understand the ways of God (Isaiah 55).  I want the focus to be in this:  This is God’s plan for my life.  Although I/we may not understand this, I/we need to accept that.  I have.  God is a good, faithful, and loving God.   How well do I believe that?  How well do we believe that?

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My parents know.  I think that how they got the news was the right way to go, at least for them.  Did Dad cry?  Yes, although I would direct his thoughts to remembering this is God’s plan, not mine, etc.  Mom was all right, too, although a bit quiet on the phone.  I’ll see how this all plays out.

Sometimes I do wonder . . .

Dad had wondered if this came about because of my nerves . . . my nerves over their moving out to Ohio.  (Where did THAT come from?)  Mark/Deb assured them that was not the case.  I think that they were able to focus on the verses I sent at the bottom of my letter.  They will have that there to look at, even after Mark/Debbie leave them for the day.

Thanks to God for getting the news out to my parents rather smoothly.  Now let’s see how often I get calls from my father . . .     😌

My Goal for Now

I have decided to put this as my primary goal:  To put my confidence and trust in a faithful God who knows my present and my future.  He knows why He has chosen this for me at this point in my life.  My natural tendencies are to say that . . .

·         I don’t need this now in my life, as things still are unsettled with my parents, especially my mother.  Couldn’t this wait for a later time?

·         This is for other people, not me.  Breast cancer does not run in my family (although in their older years, my mother’s sister had pancreatic cancer and her mother had some in her lungs).

·         Although I may want to question God, I do not do so in a spirit of anger; it is in an attitude of just not understanding.

I desire to be a witness to the grace that God gives His children in times of difficulty, if they place their trust in Him.  I want to be an example to Dennis’s unsaved family members, the people with whom I work, and even to fellow believers in my church as well as others I know.  I want to grow through this experience, too.

A time may come when I can look back and see how this experience changed me (other than physically) as well as others who are a part of my life.

Some Thoughts

I made the comment this morning to Lori that I had come to the conclusion that we – or at least I – really do not pray enough for ourselves.  By this, I do not mean praying selfishly, but taking the time to truly talk to God and lay before Him things that concern us.  We probably spend more time praying for others than for ourselves. That may be because we feel that it’s wrong to be too centered on ourselves when we pray.

Today I have received even more email and FB messages, as people outside the church are finding out the news and wanting to encourage Dennis and me and tell us they are praying for us.  Cards are also trickling in.  Wow!  People care about me more than sometimes I have cared about them in the past.  I need to be better about this in the future.

This afternoon I had the call to contact the office to see when the surgery will be – January 27, 7:30 am.  I think that reality has begun to set in, as this is the first evening in which I have been choked up and in tears when sharing with Dennis – this time it was about the cards and messages AND an item my sister-in-law Deb* wrote to share with me.  I said to Dennis that I knew this would come along eventually and that probably it will happen a lot more.  I am not sure how things will go tomorrow when I talk with some of my church friends who work at school with me.

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*https://pwmja5.com/2012/03/06/when-god-makes-you-an-example/

Decisions and Date

This morning Lori sent me out of the classroom to make the phone call I needed to make, the one to my surgeon to tell them what I had decided to do, after our discussion and meeting Thursday.  Julie (the nurse who had been in the room for that meeting) answered the phone.  After I said who I was, she said that I had been on her call list for today.  I told her that I had planned to call yesterday, but because of an after school meeting, I had run out of time.

I told her that after some time to think, read, and talk with Dennis and others, I had decided that I would go ahead with a double mastectomy but no reconstructive surgery (at least for now).  All I wanted to do was what needed to be done.

Julie remembered that Dennis has a scheduled trip which he is putting on hold until he knows more, as the date comes closer.  He has paid for the tickets to go, and so he is set to go if things fall into place and he feel comfortable leaving me.  Those dates are February 6-16 – they remembered. 

Today and Thursday are the days the office sets up surgery dates at the hospital.  Thoughts were that I would hear today sometime.  Although the office is closed at this time, it may be that the hospital calls me instead.  Either way, I will know the date by the end of the week.

I did not sleep well last night.  That seems to be the case when I am just not settled.  So, I went to school a bit tired; but that was all right.  I have no idea what to expect of me once a date is set.  Yes, reality will really set in.  As the date draws near . . .

I need to start to work on the letter to my parents.  Probably I will get that done the next few days.  That will not be an easy task.

God is giving me opportunities each day to share how my trust in Him is sustaining me.  Even today I had to chance to chat a bit with Lori’s pm sub.  Marena was a long-term sub (young) in the ELA 5 class I push into.  She happened to be covering that class from mid-November to Christmas vacation; so, she has known some of what was going on because I was absent so often.   So, it was comfortable to talk with her when we were in the class, no students.

I want to become more bold in sharing my faith in God, that although I may not understand why things happen, I know He will be there to help me through.

I'm Liking My New Work Assignment

I do like my new assignment at school.  I work with a lady I have known for years and years.  We go to the same church; we are in the choir; we were neighbors for years; she is a wonderful Christian woman, Lori Rice.  We have remarked on how interesting it is that we seemed to strike up a new level of friendship the end of November, knowing nothing of what was ahead.  At that time I worked upstairs, primarily in 8^th grade, with two periods in 5^th grade. 

Talk had been that my primary charge in 8^th grade was going to get into a new program at a different location, a program he should have been in earlier but his parents balked at it.  To me, the thought that he could be gone in January was interesting timing, as I had an idea that I had some physical problems that may require I be out of school.  I saw that as a problem, as one key thing in special ed is a degree of routine.  It was bad enough that I had begun to miss 1-2.5 days a week since Thanksgiving.  The student’s moving on might be such that the school could wait to reassign me, if need be.

Well, Lori’s TA suddenly discovered in mid-December that she could have a full-time, full-paying job at Cortland State.  The teacher they had hired for their Pre-K program was leaving because her husband was being transferred for his job.  INTERESTING, as Heather had not been their first choice BUT now, all of a sudden, she could be at her new job January 5.  Before Christmas break, the special ed supervisor came by to tell me that I was going to be re-assigned.  She was not yet sure where, but she knew she was going to have an opening in the elementary school.  (I had heard speculation that I was going to be in 5^th grade most of the time.)  She’d get back to me.  In that time period, Lori told me there was going to be an opening in her room and that she thought it would be great if we could work together, but she was not sure what I might think about working in 2^nd grade, as my experience has been Grades 6-12 (until this year).  I said to her that Karen had mentioned an opening in the ES; but I didn’t know then that the opening was in Lori’s room.

At that same time, I filled Karen in a little with what was going on in my life, as by this meeting I knew I had suspicious lumps that had been detected and that I had been referred to a surgeon, who was scheduling me for some biopsies.  I thought it right to cue her in on this, as I had been absent more than what is the norm for me, for one thing.

I was unable to go to school last Tuesday, as I had been scheduled for another round of biopsies.  I had also figured I would need Wednesday off to re-group.  (The first day back after Christmas break was Tuesday, and I was absent!!)  Karen sent me an email to say that I was being reassigned to 2^nd grade to work with Lori Rice.  Karen knew I would be out until Thursday morning, but she would talk to me about this then.  Karen had no idea that Lori and I were friends (and all that other stuff I wrote at the start here).  Apparently Karen stopped by to let Lori know who was going to replace her TA, and Lori told Karen that we are long-time friends, go to the same church, etc.  As I said, I had been absent, but Lori and I touched base by email, sharing that we knew what my new assignment was going to be.  I started first thing Thursday.

Today Karen caught up with me to let me know what she had settled on for my schedule because it was going to differ a little from what Lori’s TA had.  I would still go to ELA 5 afternoons, rather than help supervise recess.  Karen would have someone else do that.  I also would still do the bus attendance, since I know the kids.

Karen and I were talking a bit in the hall, and I told her that I was enjoying this class very much.  She was glad to hear that, as she knows this is an entirely new area to me.  I then told her how I knew Lori – guess it was a lot like what Lori had told her about me.  I said to Karen that this seems like such a great place for me to be at this time, with what I have going on.  Karen, who knows Lori and I are Christian people, pointed in recognition of God’s plan – not that she is a true believer (went to Catholic school).  I verbalized that gesture, saying it was God’s plan for me.  COOL!

Singing I Go

This is the song Martha sang in church yesterday.  I mentioned it, but not by name, in yesterday's entry.

Singing I Go

The trusting heart to Jesus clings,

Nor any ill forebodes;

But at the cross of Calvary sings,

Praise God for lifted loads.

The passing days bring many cares,

“Fear not,” I hear Him say.

And when my fears are turned to prayers,

The burdens slip away.

He tells me of my Father´s love,

And never slumbering eye.

My everlasting King above

Will all my need supply.

CHORUS:

Singing I go along life’s road,

Praising the Lord, praising the Lord.

Singing I go along life’s road,

For Jesus has lifted my load.

The Church Family

I was not sure how well I would do at church, since this was the day that I was going to have pastor share with the church what is going on in my life, now that I know for sure that I have a serious medical issue.   Of course, there are those who knew already and were quick to come up, give me a hug, and whisper words of encouragement into my ear before church began.   I also wanted to be sure to see my mother-in-law, as she had not seen me since Dennis gave her the news.  Besides words of comfort for her, I wanted her to know that the pastor was going to tell the church about my situation in the morning service. 

The service itself, though, seemed so geared to my needs at the moment – God planned the service before any of us knew how fitting it would be, from the music to the message.  Wow!  Yes, I did all right, although I did not want to look out on the congregation when the pastor shared the news.  I could tell that there were tears . . . that there was shock . . . that there are people who care.  Even as pastor began to share, he choked a bit. 

I even was able to sing the choir’s song that focused on the theme of peace.  (I had not made it to practice last Sunday, and so I had no idea.) 

One song, “All Is Well,” apparently got to a few in the church, as we sang it after they had just had the prayer time at which my news was shared.  One of the ladies who wondered why it was the pastor chose such “heart-wretching” songs when he knew there were people who were dealing with difficult times.  I said to her that I think it depends on the individual and their disposition or situation.  I think that there can also be people who see the lyrics as ministering to them.  I said to her that I just felt like the songs today were what I needed, and I wanted to just reach out and hold onto those words.  I think she had never thought of it that way.  She has had hard times as well, and so she was speaking from her own experience.  Maybe I was able to present to her another perspective on songs we sing.

My friend Martha sang the morning special.  She told me later that even though she has known about this since Friday, she still gets teary-eyed at times … and did there.  She said she could not look at me as she sang, yet she felt that she was singing to me.  Wow!  (My current fav adj., it seems.)

I have no idea if this is a subconscious way of dealing with my cancer, but I found myself engaged in conversations at church today, arms crossed across my chest.  I do see the humor of this. 

My friend Carole, commenting to me after church today, said she could never be in my current situation – that I must be a stronger person than she.  (Not sure about that, as I don’t know how God chooses our paths.)  She isn’t ready to trade places with me.  Who would be, really?

The service this evening – WOW!  Another message that was on the topic of trials/testing.  I think that I will want to have a copy of that message, maybe also the morning one.  I could benefit from hearing them again PLUS they would remain as reminders of how God is already ministering to me through others and letting me know He knows me and cares for me.

I really am not sure that reality has hit me.  BUT my church family has rallied around me, and I know that Dennis and I will benefit from this in so many ways.  Thank you, God.

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Pastor said to me when we met on Saturday morning that I would find the sermons on Sunday interesting.  Little did I know -- neither did he when he first began to prepare:

• Morning - "The Gospel Perspective in Trials"
• Evening - "Faith in Trials"

Starting to Share the News

Got my email out to my brothers and sisters.  I did that while Dennis was down to his mother’s.  I have decided to write a letter to my parents, but wait a bit until I send it, as I want to think through what to say and have a date to tell them for when the surgery will take place.  Dad is forgetful AND sometimes he tends to latch onto something he is told and miss the total picture, causing us a challenge.  He is the one who passes info on to Mom, who does not always hear well.  It just seems to make more sense to have them get the news in this manner.  Telling "bad" news to family members is difficult.  It does not matter if it is parents or siblings.

I also stopped by to talk to the pastor, not that he does not know what the news is.  I wanted to tell him myself.  We talked about how this would be shared with the church and when. I expect that tomorrow will be a rather tough day emotionally for me; but I believe it is important for my church family to know what is going on.  I realize that this is a serious challenge.  Pastor and I talked about a lot of things – Scripture, music, the desire I have to be an example of a true believer in difficult circumstances for my unsaved in-laws to see, my unsaved colleagues to see, and even for my church family to see.  We also talked about the decisions I was having to settle on, most particularly the treatment of this disease. 

So, we will see how things go at church tomorrow morning.

I Did Not Get the News I Hoped to

The last time I had to receive difficult medical news (1985), I had been told to bring someone along with me, if I can.   Now, because of changes in medical protocol, you get no “heads up” on this.   Because I did not know this, I figured Dennis did not need to go as I had not been told I should bring someone with me. 

Today I was told that I have breast cancer, two types.  The left side, the one with the most problems, has been diagnosed as infiltrating lobular carcinoma; on the right, ductal carcinoma in situ.  To hear the word cancer used when talking to me about me seems unreal; but that is the truth.  Dennis made me say that word when I told him the news.

• What is to be done?   A double mastectomy.  Maybe consider reconstruction.
• Recovery time?  Two weeks for the mastectomy. Four more weeks for the reconstruction.
• My Initial Decision?    To wait on the reconstruction.  I might not want to do that.

I sensed a calmness around me as I heard this news.  I did make an effort to really listen to what was being said, although I know that I will get a copy of this information through the mail.  I know that what helped me stay calm, also, was that I was told that although things would be difficult at the start, the end looked promising.

Do I trust Dr. Bang?  Yes.  He is careful.  He is thorough.  He goes through things step by step.  He wants to be sure I understand everything he is telling me.  That was true December 12, when we first met; it was true today.

1. Probably the surgery will be done by the end of this month.
2. Will there be radiation therapy?   No
3. Chemo?   Not sure
4. Hormonal therapy?   Possibly  

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· “You will keep [her] in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You” (Isa. 26:3).

· “In quietness and confidence shall be your strength” (Isa. 30:15b).

I really am not sure what I think about all of this that is happening.  I wonder if I really realize what is happening in my life at this point in time. 

It seems, though, that God was preparing me for this news.  I spent an unusual amount of time yesterday reviewing the verses on my verse cards, the statements written on others, and just general reflections on God.

More Tests

Today I had another biopsy, right side.  Initially the plan was to do two; but they changed it to just one.  The plan is to get these tissue samples out to pathology and have the results back in time for my appointment Thursday afternoon.

This session did not seem as painful as the one on December 19.  I am having second thoughts about having asked for tomorrow off work; but I can’t do strenuous activity for 24 hours, neither can I shower. 

I feel the need to re-group, as I have no real idea what to expect Thursday. Optimistically, I hope to hear that they just want to remove the lumps, just to be safe – even if there is no signs at the moment of any type of cancer.  I look in the mirror here at home and can see that something is not right on the left.