Telling My Parents

How does an adult child tell her elderly parents she has cancer?  What if the parents have struggled intensely with their own issues of the reality of aging, leading to problems with anxiety and depressions that can, at times, be debilitating?  That has been one of my challenges, a difficult one.

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Because my father is the chief “phone person,” he is the one who takes in whatever news there is and then shares it with my mother, who usually is in bed resting when Dad decides to call.  What problems does this cause?  Based on previous times when we (my siblings and I) have had to have him work through some major things, like some of the things he and my mother had to do in New York before they moved to Ohio, problems occurred.    My father would not be listening carefully and mess something up, something major enough that it would be unsettling to my mother.  When they both realized Dad was making mistakes, then they would fret and fret – especially my father.  He would not sleep.  Sometimes his problems in communication came about because he would latch onto the wrong bit of information.  Rather than hearing the whole proposition (or instruction), he would latch onto a point and run with it – that, too, usually resulted in situations like those just mentioned.   My mother depends on my father to relay information to her because she does not hear well (and will not wear her hearing aids).  Even then, she does not trust him to get things right, especially if they are serious in nature.

I decided a phone call would not be the right way to share my news with my parents.  I decided a letter would be better.  The information they needed to know would be right there, in print, for them to read and reread.  Nothing would be misheard.  Nothing would be “mis-relayed.”  The challenge to me would be to say enough BUT not scare them, as my parents, especially my father, do not handle well “negative” news about their children.

Dennis thought it would be a good idea to enlist Mark and Debbie to assist with all of this – to have the letter with them and be with Dad and Mom.  Mark and Debbie are the ones who live nearby.  They are family.  They are also pastor/wife, who have people in their church who have faced similar news, whether themselves or family.    We would coordinate things so that I would be at home, waiting in case Mark and Debbie encouraged them to call to talk to me.  Mark and Debbie could be support for Dad and Mom on that end.

I had decided that my letter would include verses that related to things other than passing through trials.  I chose to remind them that we are not to worry about the future (Matt. 6:34).  I chose to remind them that we are to be thankful in all circumstances (1 Thess. 5).  I chose to remind them that we do not always understand the ways of God (Isaiah 55).  I want the focus to be in this:  This is God’s plan for my life.  Although I/we may not understand this, I/we need to accept that.  I have.  God is a good, faithful, and loving God.   How well do I believe that?  How well do we believe that?

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My parents know.  I think that how they got the news was the right way to go, at least for them.  Did Dad cry?  Yes, although I would direct his thoughts to remembering this is God’s plan, not mine, etc.  Mom was all right, too, although a bit quiet on the phone.  I’ll see how this all plays out.

Sometimes I do wonder . . .

Dad had wondered if this came about because of my nerves . . . my nerves over their moving out to Ohio.  (Where did THAT come from?)  Mark/Deb assured them that was not the case.  I think that they were able to focus on the verses I sent at the bottom of my letter.  They will have that there to look at, even after Mark/Debbie leave them for the day.

Thanks to God for getting the news out to my parents rather smoothly.  Now let’s see how often I get calls from my father . . .     😌