Waiting Again

This was to be the day of my surgery;  however,  infection caused it to be postponed.  I can’t say that the change was a huge let down, but I will say that it can cause some real challenges in dealing with reality.  I can push this cancer and the surgery to the back of my mind and think it all a dream, only to remind myself that it is not a dream.  This is real.  To think it will all just go away is ridiculous.  To ignore it would probably mean a painful, early death – what my father seems to think I am already doomed to have.

I am not sure just how many people in the town and school know about my situation; but I find out every day that there are more and more.  Yesterday was one of those days, because it would have been my last day at school for awhile.  I had quite a few colleagues pop by to chat with me and others pull me aside.  I have never dealt with a personal crisis outside a church/Christian school setting; and for me to see unsaved people showing love and care towards me shows me that when things seem to be taking a difficult turn, people do care – Christian or not.  The difference now is that my coping with this disease gives me openings to share that my trust is in God.   These people are more willing to hear me talk about the things of the Lord.  I also am finding that there are other Christians at school than I first realized.  They may not be the same denomination as I, but I have heard them speak of their salvation experience and know that they truly are believers.  Cool!

To hear the details of my surgery makes it a bit scary.  Four to five hours of surgery seems like such a long time.  An incision from arm pit to arm pit seems so long.  Then there are the thoughts about what comes next . . . what type of treatment?  Will I lose my hair?  Will I choose to go bald or wear a wig or wear a hat?  Maybe I won’t have any of that.  I decided that I just need to focus on one thing at a time, which for now is surgery.

I did stop by to talk with my pastor today.  This would be visit #3, I think:

1.  December 23 -- To tell him what was going on, although his wife had known  (and passed on information); I thought the time was right for me to talk to him directly.

2.  January 7 – To tell him the results, which I had heard that Thursday, as I believed that now was the time for the church, as a whole, to know.  We went over what he would share with the congregation the following morning.

He has gotten used to my approach – I keep his wife informed along the way; she passes things on to him; and he knows that I will come by for a chat at certain points along the way.  Today it was to talk about what had transpired this week.  Things I have been dealing with (i.e. my parents, reactions at school, rescheduling of surgery).  I want him to see my face and listen to my voice because I think it gives him an even better idea of how I am doing overall.

I shared with him what I had said to my father the other night, as we siblings are just running out of ideas.  I had told my father to think about what he, a minister, would say to a family in a situation like this.  I wasn’t expecting him to answer; I just wanted to re-direct his thinking.  He asked me if I was thinking he needed to practice what he preaches.  I said NO; he just needs to listen.

I told him how my father’s thinking is so out of line with what he knows.  He was saying to one of my siblings that he couldn’t understand why bad things are happening to his good children, as if we are exempt from "bad" things.  I said to my pastor that I need to remind my father that this is a test of our character.  How well did we learn at home? At church?  At the Christian school?   That is perhaps why – it is a test.

So, Pastor and I had a good sharing time.  As always, the time ended in prayer.  I am not one to take advantage of my pastor and his time. But, I do think it is important, at times, to share things with him, as that is part of what his ministry is.  I need to be willing to go to him, too.